Deadly Confessions
by butterflie
Summary: Matt and Tai get together. But someone is standing in their way. Will their relationship survive? Taito and Takato. Incest, Rape, Character Death, Badfic. Thank you Empress of the Eclipse for the upload and summary.


Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine. If it was, the show would be at a midnight time slot, and would not be fit for even my own eyes, what with all the incest, deaths, rapes, sex, and what have you. However, since other people still do own it, even the littlest of kids can watch it right now.   
  
Author's Notes: This fic is Taito Slash (Taichi/Yamato), with bits of Takato (Takeru/Yamato) as well. There is also a flashback of a limey rape. Character death at the end. Hints of Kensuke, Koura, Jyoushiro, and Miel. (Mimi/Michael-I don't know what it would be called.) Please don't flame me for this- I happen to be fond of this fic.   
Oh, just so you know, the Yamato Sundae thingie is not mine. It belongs to Rhianone (I can't remember how it's spelled), and it came from a fic called Any Which Way You Can, which may or may not be found on ffnet, I'm not sure since I found it on another site.   
Note as of September 3, 2001 Monday: Ack! I cannot believe how long it took me to get this posted. Stupid ffnet, always messing up. The same thing happened last summer. But anyways, I apologize. It's finallly up now, so never fear!   
  
Deadly Confessions   
by: Butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess   
  
I stared into Takeru's eyes, surprised. This was unreal. "You love me?" I asked, my voice cracking.   
He nodded anxiously. "Please don't be mad at me. I know it's wrong, but I can't deny my feelings for you Matt. I'm sorry," he told me, eyes downcast.   
I blinked rapidly, shocked beyond all belief. "Oh," was the only word my jumbled thoughts were able to produce.   
"You're mad," he said matter of factly, a trace of sorrow in his voice. I detected fear in it, as well.   
"No, I'm not," I told him honestly. "I just don't know what to say to you, that's all."   
"Well, reassurance that you don't hate me would be nice," he said timidly.   
I went over to him and put my arms around him in a tight hug. "I don't hate you," I said softly. "I'd never hate you unless you gave me a serious, legitimate reason to."   
He broke free from the embrace and gave me a soft smile.   
"Thanks," he whisphered. Then he said, "Well, I only came over to tell you this. Mom's mad at me because I still have homework. So, gotta go." He made as if to hug me, but I backed away, uncomfortable. After hearing his confession I wasn't quite so sure to act around him now.   
He looked at me surprised, visible hurt showing in his eyes.   
"I-I'm sorry, Takeru. I just don't think I feel comfortable right now doing that." I told him uneasily.   
He nodded sadly and said he understood. So instead of hugging me, he just gave me a little wave then turned and left the room.   
Once he was gone I sank down into my bed. Takeru loves me. He LOVES me. Takeru loves me, and I don't have a single clue how I feel about it.   
  
"So then Sora starts yelling at me, and I'm slowly dying of embarrassment, trying desperately to- Matt?"   
"Huh?" I look up from my locker into Taichi's slightly annoyed face.   
He sighed. "Did you just hear a single word I said?"   
"Uh..." I tried hard to remember what it was Tai had been saying. But my mind drew a blank.   
"No," I told him meekly.   
"Matt!" he cried, exasperated. Then he softened. "Matt's what wrong with you lately? You never pay attention to me anymore, and even in class your mind seems to be a million miles away. Has something happened?"   
I remain silent, weighing the consequences of telling him.   
"Matt?" "I-Takeru loves me," I blurt out, immediately feeling stupid.   
Tai gives me a confused look. "Well, duh, he's your brother." "No, I mean he _loves_ me," I said, groping in the dark for a way to explain so Tai's airheaded mind would understand. "He loves me as more than just a brother. Like the way I love y- someone in this school," I finished lamely.   
Luckily Taichi was too preoccupied with my previous statement to notice. "You mean, your brother Takeru told you he was in love with you?"   
"Yeah. He told me a few days ago. I'm so confused about it," I confessed miserably. "I mean, I love him too, just not in the same way. I felt so bad about having to tell him that. He just so looked so sad and hurt, it made me feel horrible, like I wasn't good enough to be his brother anymore or something."   
Tai put his arms around me in an attempt to comfort me, and several people passing us in the hallways gave us a few funny looks. I knew soon the new rumor would be that Yamato Ishida and Taichi Yagami had been seen hugging in the hallways and were now a couple. Too bad they weren't true.   
"C'mon, Matt, I'm sure he doesn't think that about you," Tai told me. "After all, he is in love with you, is he not? And you can't help what you told him. As long as you weren't mean about it, I'm sure he understood."   
I laid my head against Tai's chest and sighed as he began stroking my blond hair. "I certainly hope so," I murmured.   
  
"Tadaima!" I called to Dad as I let myself in the house late that night.   
"Hey Matt," Dad greeted me as I walked in the livingroom. "You're home kinda late, aren't you?"   
"Yeah. I was over at Taichi's and lost track of the time. Sorry," I apologized.   
Dad just shrugged and went back to watching our incredibly small, ugly black and white TV, the one we had been using ever since Jyou had fainted one time and broke our other TV.   
I let out a loud sigh and went into the kitchen to dig up some partially edible food, grimacing at the mound of moldy dishes piled up in our sink.   
After going through empty cabinets and a half empty fridge, I finally settled on a bowl of dry cereal.   
I grimaced after the first bite; it was stale. Did we not have anything worth eating in this house?   
I knew one thing. If Mom and Takeru were living with us, the apartment certainly wouldn't look the way it did. Then again, I wasn't sure if I wanted them living with us. Not with me knowing the way Takeru felt about me. Why did he have to fall in love with me anyway?   
I mean, I had always known his sexual preferences were somewhat like mine, that he preferred the guys more than the girls, but ME? He had to like me?   
What was so great about me?   
Damn that Takaishi.   
  
A few days later, I still couldn't Takeru out of my mind, and it was driving me crazy. One little thought kept looping through my brain.   
Takeru loves me.   
Takeru loves me and I don't know why this is affecting me so much especially since I don't love him that way and Takeru loves me dammit! He loves me.   
I let out a low growl and reached out to snatch up my phone.   
After punching in Tai's number, I waited impatiently until someone picked up.   
"Moshi moshi, Yagami residence, Yagami Hikari speaking."   
"Hey Kari, it's Yamato. Is Tai there?"   
"Oh hey Matt. Hold on a minute, I'll go get him."   
I heard a clunk as she set the receiver down, or so I am assuming, then her voice, a little distant, yelled, "Tai! Matt's on the phone!"   
A couple seconds later he picked up. "Hey Matt, what's up?"   
"Tai, I need you. Can you come over? This thing with Takeru is making me reach new levels of insanity I never knew existed."   
"Yamato! You still haven't gotten that out of your mind?" Then, without waiting for my answer, he went on, "Sure I'll come. But I'll have you know I'm giving up the only decent meal my mom makes for you."   
I laughed. "Sorry, Taich- Taichi," I said.   
Damn that was close. I almost called him Taichan. I wonder how he would react to that little term. I guess I'll have to be more careful from now on.   
"I'll be over in a little bit. See ya soon, Yamachan." Then he hung up.   
I just stared at the phone in my hands. Yamachan? He just called me Yamachan? Had he caught on to what I had almost called him and was just teasing me, or was there something else behind that chan?   
The dial tone emitting from the phone soon brought me back to reality. Slowly, I replaced the receiver and then went to straighten the apartment up a bit. Dad wouldn't be home until late tonight, so Tai and I would have the place to ourselves. Maybe I could use it as an opportunity to tell Taichi my feelings.   
"Hey Matt! Takeru been treating you good lately?"   
Or maybe not.   
I turned around.   
Tai was standing in my doorway, arms full of all kinds of hard liquor. As I looked at him in bewilderment -he didn't expect me to drink all that stuff, did he- he focused one cheery brown eye on me and winked.   
"I thought we could just drink away all your troubles over your annoying little brother," he told me.   
"Taichi...." I sighed, trying to ignore the fear that was slowly inching its way up my spine and throughout the rest of my body. "That's not going to make things any better later. And besides, we're underage."   
"What, eighteen ain't old enough for ya? You don't think you can handle it?"   
"It's not that. It's just...well, my dad will be home later on, and he might get mad...." My excuse sounded weak even to my own ears. How could explain to him that I was afraid of drinking any kind of alcohol?   
But he wouldn't understand.   
I had never told Taichi about that time my dad had got drunk. I never was able to bring myself to get the words out. That whole night was one whole awful blur, something that will stay with me for the rest of my life no matter how I much I try to wish it away.   
Oh, you have no idea what I'm talking about either, do you?   
Ok, picture an eight year old Yamato. He's at home alone. Or, he wishes he was. His dad is in the other room with some girl, and their making noises Yamato would rather not think about. Then suddenly the girl screams a bad word at his dad and stalks out of the apartment, thoroughly pissed. After a few minutes his dad comes out of the room as well, stumbling and slurring his words. Yamato knows he is drunk. There had been a time in Yamato's life that his dad would get drunk almost every night, but lately he hadn't been getting drunk. So why was he drunk now? Yamato didn't have time to contemplate this however, as his dad was putting his hands all over Yamato's body, touching him everywhere, pulling all his clothes off. Yamato is about to ask his dad what he's doing when he suddenly feels something hot, throbbing, and very painful penetrate his rear. Yamato lets out a scream, begging his dad to stop, but it does no good. His dad continues to thrust into him, and Yamato can only cry. He can hardly breathe for the pain, it is so great, and it won't stop, won't go away, except that, finally, it does.   
Dad had apologized to me about that night and had talked to me about it when I got a little bit older, old enough to understand, but it still took a lot for me to forgive him, and ever since I swore I would stay away from any alcoholic beverage, and I also swore I would never have sex until I was completely ready for it. The pain and suffering he caused me that night had stayed with me for a long time, and it took almost three whole years of counseling to get past the incident, and now here was Tai asking me to practically relive that night and get drunk. I can't do it. I just can't-   
"Matt?" Tai asks me suddenly, breaking into my thoughts, and it is then I realize I am standing there crying silently. "Matt, what's wrong? Is this about Takeru?"   
I shake my head, although the way the rest of my body is shaking I doubt if he noticed it.   
Tai had long since put all his stuff in my room, so now he came over to me, putting his arms around me gently, guiding me to the couch, sitting down and letting me sit in his lap.   
"Matt, what is it?"   
"Tai, please...don't make me drink anything..please, I'm afraid to.."   
"Why?" he asked me matter-of-factly.   
"Because...once, when I was eight, my dad got drunk. He brought some girl home with him and I guess he meant to have sex with her, but she walked out on him, so he raped me instead. I know he was drunk, and he did apologize after I was old enough to understand more, but I'm still afraid of anything that reminds me of that night. Please Tai," I begged him, "don't make me." Then I collapsed into loud sobs, ones that racked my whole body. I buried my head in Tai's shirt the way I had done a few days ago and just cried.   
"Oh God...Oh Yamachan, I am so sorry. I had no idea. That must have been so scary for you. Of course you don't have to drink anything. My poor Yamachan...I'm sorry...so sorry.."   
We remained that way for a long time, me crying all over him and him whisphereing soothing nonsense into my ear.   
After awhile, I began to feel calm again. I sat up.   
"Tai?"   
"Yeah, Yama?"   
"You called me Yamachan," I said pointedly.   
"So I did," he replied, raising one eyebrow.   
I frowned. I couldn't figure him out.   
"Anyways," he continued, "about Takeru..."   
I sighed inwardly. Did he have to come back to Takeru so soon?   
"Why are you so confused about him?"   
I sighed, this time out loud. "I don't know. He makes me feel so guilty. I haven't seen him since he told me, and I'm beginning to think he's avoiding me. I don't know what to do about him. I want him to be happy, but the only way I know of doing that is to give him what he wants: me. And that's wrong."   
"Why?" Tai asked me softly. "Why is giving yourself to him wrong? Why is making him happy, even if just for a little while, wrong?"   
"Because...it'd be misleading him. I don't love him. At least, not in the same sense. And it'd also be unfair to myself, considering I love someone else." I told him quietly.   
"Oh? And who's that?" Tai seemed generally interested now.   
I fidgeted around on Tai's lap, suddenly uncomfortable. "That's not important," I mumble.   
"Sure it is. C'mon, who is she?" I but down on my lip, hoping Tai wouldn't notice the way I was shaking from silent laughter.   
"Yamato? What's so funny?"   
Damn, he noticed.   
Suddenly I couldn't hold it in anymore. I burst out laughing so fast that Tai let out a yell of surprise.   
"The funny.. thing....is... you see...it's not- it's not a gi-girl!" I howled between gasps of breath and my constant companion, Mr. Laugh. "It- it's a .... it's a guy!"   
Tai looked slightly startled but not completely shocked. Had this been before he started calling me Yamachan, this might have surprised me. But now I was starting to form my own suspicions.   
"Well then, who is he?" Tai corrected himself.   
I let out another laugh before growing serious once more. I certainly was having weird mood swings tonight.   
"Like I said, Tai, 's'not important. Just forget it."   
"Is it me?" he asked quietly.   
My eyes became as wide as a crystal globe, and I turned to ask him what made him think that, when suddenly a pair of warm, soft lips were planted firmly on mine.   
My first reaction was to freeze. But after a few moments, I warmed up to him and found myself eagerly kissing him back.   
His lips parted slightly, and I took the opportunity offered up to me, sliding my tongue in the deepest recesses of his mouth, exploring, teasing, flicking my tongue against his own.   
He wrapped his arms around me tightly and drew me closer to him than humanly possible as I continued to massage his tongue.   
I groaned lightly as his hands flew over my soft skin, familiarizing themselves with me. Every little touch he gave me sent sparks of pleasure racing throughout my body.   
After a VERY long moment, I pulled away from, gasping for air, both of our faces flushed.   
"Tai- how did you know?" I whisphered.   
He smiled softly. "I didn't. I just took a wild gamble and hoped that you would return my own feelings."   
I let out a little laugh and blinked back tears of happiness. For the first time since he had told me, Takeru was out of my mind completely. All I could think about was Tai, my Tai.   
Gently I laid my head on his shoulder and looked up at him. "Tai, how long have you -you know.. loved me?"   
"Since I first laid eyes on you, you sexy thing, you," he joked.   
Then, "Seriously? Maybe not consciously, but when we were fighting in the DigiWorld that time. Right before we sent Agumon and Palmon into Myotismon's castle. I think that's when I fell in love with you," he told me. "But I only realized it when after our adventure was over and I didn't really get to see you that much until the new Chosen had shown up. And then I swore I would never let us grow so far apart again."   
Then he smiled down at me and asked, 'How about you?"   
I could feel myself blushing. "I- I don't really know," I stammered. "For a long time. Maybe around the time the Kaizer stopped being the Kaizer and became plain old Ken. Maybe later. I never really knew. My love for you has always seemed to accompany me."   
Tai smirked. But it was done in jest. "That's such a sweet statement, Yamato," he teased. Then he turned serious again. Or tried to. His eyes were still smiling. "Ishida Yamato, will you be my boyfriend?"   
I laughed as I leaned up and gently kissed him. "Of course I will, Tai."   
He too, laughed. Then he pushed me down under him on the couch and about smothered me to death as he proceeded to kiss the life out of me.   
I was quite content to let his tongue explore my mouth and his hands roam over my body until they started getting lower and lower on my back.   
Panicking, I pushed Tai up off of me, a few tears rolling down my cheeks. "Matt, what the hell -oh. Oh Yamachan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"   
"It's okay," I cut him off. "I just started to panic, that's all. I know you won't hurt me."   
"I'd never hurt you," he agreed. "Never in my life."   
  
"Matt, Takeru's on the phone," Dad called to me.   
Eagerly, I took the phone from his outstretched hand. It had been almost two weeks since Takeru had confessed he loved me, and not once in all that time had I seen or talked to him.   
"Takeru?"   
"Hey Matt," he responded. He sounded different somehow, subdued.   
"Hey stranger. What's up with you avoiding me lately? I feel like I hardly know you anymore!" I joked.   
I could almost see him shrugging over the phone. "Just been busy, that's all. Anyways, can I ask you something?"   
"Sure. Fire away."   
"No. Not over the phone. In person."   
"Well allright," I said, surprised and a bit nervous. The last time he wanted to talk to me in person, I found out he was in love with me. I didn't want to think about what he wanted to ask me now. It'd be just my luck to have him request for me to have sex with him. God, practically my whole family and my best friend find me hott. What is it they see in me?   
"Are you gonna come over now?" I asked Takeru, but to my surprise I was talking to the dial tone. My brother had already hung up while I had been worrying.   
Well, whatever. I wasn't going to waste time thinking about it.   
I hung up my own phone, then walked into Dad's room. He was just lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He looked exhausted, which wasn't saying much. I don't think a day has gone by that he hasn't put in overtime at the station, and he's been working there for as long as I can remember.   
"Dad," I began.   
He glances over at me.   
"Takeru's coming over for a little bit," I finish.   
"Ok," he says tonelessly.   
I frown, concerned. "Dad, is something wrong?" I asked him.   
He sighed and rolled over on his side so he can face me. "Yamato, you remember that one time when you were eight and I was drunk and I raped you?"   
Suddenly I felt as if there was a heavy stone in the pit of my stomach. Has he found out about me and Tai or something and is worried that made me gay?   
"Have you been thinking about that lately or something?" he continued. "Because for the past couple of weeks you haven't been yourself and I just wondered."   
And in a flash I understood. He had been thinking about it himself lately and was feeling guilty about it. This wasn't about me. At least, not completely. This was mostly about him.   
"No, dad, I haven't been thinking about it, but I get the feeling you have. But you don't have to feel guilty. I already told you once that I forgive you, please don't make me say it again."   
I wonder what made him think of it in the first place. Kinda ironic considering Tai and I had been talking about it recently ourselves.   
He spoke quietly. "Allright, I'm sorry for bringing it up. But you're right, it has been on my mind lately. One of the guys at work made some remark, and it made me think of it, and it hasn't left my mind ever since. Anyways, like I said, sorry I mentioned it."   
I nodded. "Okay. Now If you'll excuse me, I believe that was Takeru that just knocked at our front door."   
He nodded himself and I left to get Takeru.   
Blue eyes glared at me when I opened the door. "Yamato, where the hell have you been? I've stood here five minutes waiting for you."   
I grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, Dad was talking to me in his room and I didn't hear you at first. Sorry," I said again.   
He sighed and shook his head dramatically. "Rock stars," he pretended to mutter. "Play music so loud they forget how to listen to anything else."   
I laughed.   
"Anyways, come on and sit down," I said, stepping aside.   
He walked in and began heading towards my room, rolling his eyes at the mess in our excuse of an apartment. I followed him after shutting and locking the door.   
When we got there, I shut the door and sat down on my desk chair while he chose the bed.   
"So," I said to break the tension that was suddenly there. "What was this big question that had to be asked in person?"   
"Umm....well... Yamato, are you going out with Tai?"   
I blanched. How in the HELL did he know that?! Tai and I were keeping it low hey for the time. He was allowed to tell only Kari and me only Takeru, and I hadn't told him ye....   
"Kari..." I murmured. "Tai must have told Kari, who in turn somehow told Takeru.."   
I hadn't realized I had said that out loud until Takeru said, "Yeah, that's right. So then, it's true, you're with Tai?"   
I nodded slowly, not sure how he would take this bit of information. "Yes," I said. "It's true."   
He sighed miserably. "Did you do that just to spite me, or to prove you don't like me the way I do you?"   
"Oh God Takeru no!" I exclaimed. I walked over and sat down next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Listen, your liking me had NOTHING to do with me and Tai getting together. I loved Tai for a long time, before you ever even told me your feelings. And Tai has liked me longer than I liked him. It's just that you coming out with your feelings made it easier for the two of us to confess our own feelings toward one another. And me going out with Tai should not change anything between us. You're still my brother, and I still love you, okay?"   
"But why did you have to start going out with Tai after I told you?" he wailed. "I feel like your doing it because of me! Please, can't you dump Tai or something?"   
"Takeru..." I sighed. "Please don't make this hard on me. Listen, even if I thought I had an inkling of feelings for you, I still wouldn't do anything about it."   
"But why? If we loved each other, why wouldn't you?"   
"Because it's wrong. It's incest. You are my brother. It'd be wrong for me to even love you like that, much less kiss you or -or make love to you."   
"But still! Can't you at least wait a little while before going out with Tai, and just go out with me for a short bit? Just enough to make me happy? Maybe if I go out with you a few times, I'll get over you. After all, before I fell in love with you I used to like Kari. Maybe I'll go back to liking her again. Please Matt? Just for a little bit?"   
"No Takeru," I said firmly. "It wouldn't be fair. Not to you, not to me, and definitely not to Tai. I can't do it."   
"PLEASE Yamato. PLEASE go out with me. You don't even have to dump Tai. Just _please_ go out with me. I really think it will help me get over you."   
I hated having to see my brother beg me. It about broke my heart to see him look so despairing.   
"Are you being honest?" I asked him, my firm facade beginning to crumble just a little. "You believe you can stop liking me so much if I go out with you?"   
He nodded, wiping a few stray tears from his cheeks. "Yes, I really believe I can."   
I sighed. I can't believe I was giving in so easily. "Let me talk to Tai first, and then I'll let you know."   
"Oh thank you Yamato! Thank you so much! I promise I'll do my best to not love you anymore! Thank you!" he cried happily, throwing his arms around me in a tight, enthusiastic hug.   
As I hugged him back, such an overwhelming feeling of dread came over me that I almost choked. I did not want to go out with my little brother. I knew I would regret this for a LONG time to come.   
  
"Hey gorgeous, what's up?"   
I rolled my eyes and did my best to ignore my boyfriend and instead focused on eating my tasteless cafeteria bought lunch. Obviously Tai had forgotten about keeping it low key for the time being.   
I still hadn't worked up the courage to tell him about Takeru.   
"Yama love, what's wrong? You're awfully quiet today." Tai commented.   
" 'Yama love'?" Sora repeated, making a face. "Tai, what's gotten in to you? Are you high or something?"   
"Nope. Just in love!"   
I groaned. "Tai, would you please stop making an ass out of yourself?" I requested.   
"But isn't that what you're supposed to do when your drunk?" he asked, faking confusion.   
I froze.   
"Make an ass out of yourself then find some good fuck before passing out and waking with a tremendous hangover the next morning?" he continued, completely oblivious to the terror that was slowly starting to grow in me.   
Taking a deep breath, I willed myself to calm down and stop shaking. It didn't work.   
"See, I've already made an ass of myself. The next step is to find a good fuck, and I figured you'd be the man for the job, Yamachan."   
Okay. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay CALM!   
"Yamato?" Sora asked, concerned. "Yamato, are you allright?"   
I nod my head desperately, trying to hold the tears in.   
"So what'd ya say Yamachan? Wanna be my good fuck or not?"   
I couldn't hold the tears in anymore. Why was Tai doing this? I don't think he's really drunk, is he? I thought he was my friend.   
"C'mon Yama, it'll be fun." Tai prodded me.   
"Yagami Taichi, stop it!" Sora commanded sharply. "Can't you see how much you're scaring him?"   
She scooted over closer to me. "Matt? What's wrong? Are you okay? Tai didn't really mean it, you know."   
Suddenly Tai was back to his senses. "Oh God Yamato," he breathed. "I completely forgot. I am so sorry."   
"Forgot what?" Sora asked, confused now.   
I just shook my head as Tai moved to take me in his arms.   
All this time the other Digidestined at our table (Izzy, Jyou (who had switched to our school last year), Ken (who was in first year here), and Daisuke (same as Ken)) had remained silent, watching us.   
Now Izzy spoke up. "Yeah Tai, what did you forget?"   
"It's not important," Tai told them. To me he said, "Yamachan, I am so sorry. I really am. I knew how you felt about this issue, and I completely forgot. Please forgive me?"   
I let out a great big, shuddering sigh. Finally I was starting to calm down. "I'll forgive you on one condition," I told him, my voice still kinda shaky.   
"What's that?" he asked me, looking nervous.   
"You come over Friday," I informed him.   
He grinned, relief flooding his features. "Sure thing!"   
I smiled weakly as he hugged me. Over his shoulders, I could see the others giving us strange looks and wondered how long Tai and I would have before we were forced to tell them.   
  
Later I found out why Tai was acting so strange at lunch. One of his non Chosen friends had given him a little marijuana during second form, and he was just coming down from a high. It had been seeing me so terrified that had caused him to come crashing back down to earth.   
I wasn't quite sure, though, how I felt about Tai getting high and mixing with drugs. Although I myself had flirted with them for a short time a few months ago, when the band seemed to be in the heavy rock and roll lifestyle.   
However, where they were screwing anyone they laid hands on and participating in all kinds of mass orgies, the most I did was shoot up with heroin once. And when I came down off my high, that had pretty much been the end of my relationship with drugs.   
Luckily, the band understood completely why I didn't indulge in all the things I did (I had told them about me and my dad once in a burst of sheer insanity and major high) and didn't pressure me to join them, even if they did offer me a chance to join them every once in a while.   
But still, up until recently, I hadn't known Tai to be into all the drugs and alcohol stuff. I had always thought him to be reasonably sensible before. I guess I was wrong.   
  
"Dad, is it allright if Tai stays the night Friday?" I asked him later that evening. We were sitting at the table, for a change, eating some takeout Chinese. Their food may be a lot different than ours, but it doesn't really taste all that bad.   
He shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, as long as you don't wreck the place," he said, the corners of his mouth twitching in a small smile.   
I laughed. It was a standard joke of ours. As if this place could really look any worse than it already did!   
We ate in silence for a bit longer. I was busy thinking about the afternoon at school and I don't know what Dad was thinking.   
What I was wondering was just how much the other Chosen suspected and how it would affect them. I knew it wouldn't really affect Ken pr Daisuke that much, since I'm pretty sure those two liked each other anyway, but as far as I knew the rest of the Digidestined were straight. Well, except for Takeru. He must be bisexual, since he used to like Kari. But I know Sora has had several boyfriends, one of them being Izzy, and has never shown any interest in girls at all. Hell, outside of Mimi and Kari she really didn't have any other close girl friends. And last I heard of Mimi she had gotten pregnant by Michael and was struggling to support her one year old son. Kari so obviously likes my brother it's not even amusing anymore. Like I said, Izzy went out with Sora before, although sometimes his friendship with Jyou seems more than strictly platonic, so he may lean both ways. Jyou I have no idea about. He doesn't seem to be interested in either sex. If Iori were here, he'd probably greatly disapprove, but since he moved to Russia nobody's heard from him.   
So really I have no idea how everybody will take it. Hopefully they'll support Tai and me, but what if they don't? I know that after today's lunch scene, they deserve to know what's going on with us.   
If only I could be sure of their reactions!   
And my dad. Eventually he'll have to know, as well as Tai's parents. I don't want to have to pretend to be just friends with Tai around the adults forever. That'd get to be too much of a pain in the ass.   
"Matt, you've been frowning at that piece of wonton for the last five minutes now," Dad informed me, breaking into my thoughts and scattering them into a million tiny words. "What's up?"   
I shrugged apologetically. "Just thinkin' about somethin', that's all," I said. He frowned but didn't press. I almost wish he would, It'd be nice for him to try to really reach out to me every once in awhile. Maybe then he'd really feel like my dad, and not like some stranger that I just happen to share an apartment with.   
Of course, he's never tried to get to know me before, so why should I expect him to start now?   
  
The rest of the week passed by much too quickly for my liking. It seemed like only a day later that Tai was barging in my front door Friday evening.   
"Hey love, ready for some fun tonight?" he purred in my ear as he walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.   
I shivered as his breath tickled my earlobe. "Tai, stop that," I laughed. "It tickles!"   
He smiled but let me go.   
"So, what are we doing tonight, Yamachan?" he asked me, giving me a goofy grin.   
"I figured we can watch movies, pig out on tons of junk, make fun of my dad's old CD's, and make out until one of passes out from exhaustion. That is, unless you've got a better idea," I added.   
"Nope! Sounds good to me!"   
I let out a laugh.   
Going over to the VCR, he pored over the videos before finally choosing a tape and popping it in.   
"What's that?" I asked.   
He grinned. "English dialogue, Japanese subtitled three hour and fourteen minute long sappy love story called Titanic."   
I couldn't help it. I collapsed into a fit of what girls like to call 'the giggles'. His statement was so serious despite the grin, and the movie so utterly, ridiculously full of sap that I couldn't contain myself.   
My dad had ordered it online on a whim one time, and after watching it once had never touched it again. And now here Tai was wanting to watch it as if it were just your normal, average, everyday love story. It was too much.   
Smiling devishly, I tackled Tai from behind and pulled him over to the couch, dragging him on my lap.   
"Yama-what!" he cried, surprised.   
I silenced him with a looooong, passionate kiss, then we settled down and watched the movie. Well, actually, we just read the subtitles whenever we weren't busy making out.   
After awhile Tai began to get restless. "Yama-love, I'm hungry," he whined.   
"There's some icecream in the fridge," I responded absently, totally caught up in the movie. It was about to get to the good part, where Rose almost threw herself over the ship. Too bad she hadn't actually done so.   
However, when Tai came back with a tub of icecream and a spoon in one hand, and a thing of chocolate syrup in another, let's just say my attention was momentarily deverted.   
"You up for a Yamato Sundae?" he purred sexily.   
The second time he purred that night. What was he, a cat?   
I swallowed heavily as I tried to let the movie capture my attention again. It didn't work.   
Tai set the icecream and syrup down on a table near the couch. Then, dropping so he was on all fours, he began slinking sexily along the floor over to where I was sitting with a growing arousal. He slowly began to climb up the couch until he was positioned on top of me. I gasped when his leg brushed against my hard-on; his touch was practically electrifying. Maneuvering us both so he was in a position to reach the food, he began to tease me, lifting his shirt up to reveal a well-defined chest, running his fingers lightly over the bare skin, kissing me gently on the lips, just long enough for me to want more but not quite long enough for me to kiss him back. It was pure torture, and I was beginning to think I couldn't take any more, when he reached over and began to lift my shirt up over my head.   
Disconcertedly, he tossed it aside and grabbed the vanilla icecream off the end table. Scooping out a great big spoonful, he shoved it into my unprotesting mouth, then squirted the chocolate syrup all over my bare torso and proceeded to lick the sticky mess off of me. Every flick of his tongue against my body was pure, agonizing HELL. His every moment was so disturbingly sensual I found myself almost wishing he would stop. Almost, I said. I was barely able to swallow the icecream he'd shoved down my throat for the erotic moans that were coming from the both of us.   
But I finally got it all down. And it was about then that Tai had finished licking up the syrup and started rubbing his hands up and down the length of my whole body, all the while giving me a kiss so deep and heart felt that it set my very soul on fire. Then his hands were suddenly down my pants, working their way lower and lower.   
"Tai," I said in a small fear choked voice. "Please stop."   
Tai paused and looked at me. "What?"   
"Please stop it Tai. I'm not ready. Not yet. I'm sorry," I apologized in that same small voice.   
Instantly his hands were gone, and he drew away from me, not looking at me anymore.   
"I'm really sorry," I said again.   
"So am I," he sighed.   
Dammit! I screwed up! Stupid stupid fear! It was this stupid fear, the fear I hadn't been able to get past for ten years, that was making my boyfriend remain frustrated and unhappy! It was all because of the fear! Damn it all to Hell! And to top it all off, I still hadn't told him about Takeru! Why the hell was this all so confusing?   
I moaned and placed my head in my hands. "Stupid Takeru.." I muttered, momentarily forgetting Tai was there.   
After awhile I looked up and realized my boyfriend was here.   
"Oh. Tai." I said. Oh great. Real smart, Yamato.   
"Oh. Yamato." he said, mimicking me.   
I glared. "Shutup. I just got lost in thought."   
We lapsed back into silence before I spoke up again a short time later. "So, you wanna continue watching this movie we haven't really been paying attention to for the last hour, or you wanna find something else to do?"   
He shrugged. "Actually, I'm kinda tired. It is midnight, after all. Why don't we put on a few of your dad's CD's and make fun of them until we fall asleep?"   
"Sure," I said, relieved he didn't wanna watch the movie anymore. I was afraid it would make him horny again.   
So we put on a few of Dad's funky CD's, stripped down to our boxers, climbed into my bed, and made fun of the strange music for the next half hour until finally Tai's voice started to become quieter and quieter, and he eventually stopped talking all together.   
I was almost completely positive he had fallen asleep when I heard him sigh, and knew he was still awake. The music had long since stopped, so the room was totally silent.   
I guessed now was as good a time as any to tell him.   
"Tai?" I asked, breaking into the silence.   
"Yeah?"   
"Can I ask you a question?"   
"You just did," he joked.   
"Be serious Tai," I said, slightly upset he was being funny at a time like this.   
"Ok, sorry," he said apologetically, sensing the edge in my voice.   
"Well.... Takeru's jealous of me and you, see.... and well, he came to me the other day, and I kinda promised him I'd...go out with him...in hopes that he'd get over me. That is, if you don't mind," I said, hastily tacking on that last sentence.   
Tai was silent for so long I thought for sure he had fallen asleep after all when he said, "So are you saying you wanna dump me for your brother?"   
He sounded kinda sad, not angry and hurt like I had thought he would be.   
"No, it's not that," I reassured him quickly. "I'd still be your boyfriend. He just wants me to go out with him for a few weeks. He thinks that if I'm with him and it makes him happy, he'll stop loving me so much and he'll go back to liking your sister or maybe somebody else. I told him I'd talk you about it, but I think he believes that I pretty much agreed with him."   
I could almost feel Tai frowning beside me in the darkness. "I guess it's allright," he said hesitantly. "After all, it's not like you love him or anything, right? I mean, not like you love me?"   
"No, I don't feel that way about him. I just want to make him happy for a short while, that's all." I promised.   
He sighed. "I don't mind then. Go ahead."   
And that was when my true hell finally began.   
  
The smell of leftover pizza woke me early the next morning. I guess Tai was up. Walking into the kitchen, I saw my boyfriend eating at the table.   
I went over to him and kissed him on the cheek, since his mouth was already currently occupied by a piece of pepperoni.   
"Mornin, love," I said lightly.   
"Hey," he said flatly.   
I frowned. "Tai? What's wrong?"   
He looked at me, his face full of hurt. "Matt, are you sure this thing with Takeru is a good idea?"   
Oh. So that's what was bothering him.   
Sighing, I pulled out his chair, causing him to cry out, and sat on his lap.   
Reaching up, I began to play with his wild hair. "Tai, if you really don't want me to do this, then say so. I don't have to, you know," I said softly.   
He stayed silent, and I could see how hard he was thinking about it by the way his face kept shifting.   
Finally he sighed and nodded. "No, it's allright. Go ahead."   
I smiled, then leaned up and kissed him. "Thanks Tai. 'Preciate it."   
"Yeah, just don't forget who's your REAL boyfriend here," he warned me, half smiling, half frowning.   
"Tai, you know I'd never stop loving you, no matter WHO I went out with."   
"Love you too, Yama," he murmured, as I buried my head in his chest. "Go ahead with Takeru. I don't mind. Really."   
  
"Dad, where's the phone? I need to call Takeru!" I yelled later that night, after Tai had already left.   
Dad appeared in the doorway of the living room, phone in hand. "Here," he said, holding it out to me.   
I took it from him and thanked him as I began to dial Takeru's number. I was kinda hoping Dad would go away, but he just stood there.   
"Hello?"   
"Hey Takeru, it's me."   
"Yamato!" he squealed.   
"Yeah, listen. I talked to Tai....."   
"And?" he demanded.   
"He's as jealous as hell, but he said he doesn't mind. So I guess the answer is yes." I said reluctantly.   
"Oh thank you!" he cried happily. "Look, mom's in here right now so I can't really say anything, but I'll call you later, k?"   
"Yeah, dad's in here too so I can't say anything either. Look, why don't you just come over tomorrow after school and we can talk about it then, k?"   
"Sure! Can't wait to see you! Bye!"   
Then the line went dead.   
I hung up and just sat there for several minutes, wondering how in hell I got myself into this mess.   
After some moments Dad came over and sat beside me. "So what was all that about? It sounded pretty interesting from your side."   
I frowned. "It's not important." The last thing I need is for Dad to find out about me and Takeru and Tai.   
Dad looked at me, concerned. "Matt, is something been bothering you lately? I was serious that other day when I said you hadn't seemed yourself."   
"It's nothing. I'm fine Dad, really. Don't worry about it."   
He frowned and gave me a look but didn't ask again.   
God I needed Tai right now.   
I could already feel myself crumbling. If I didn't get out of here, I'd start crying.   
Quickly, before Dad could say anything else, I stood and fled the room.   
  
"Yamato!" Takeru yelled as I let him in the apartment the next day. I barely had time to react as he glomped onto me, smothering me with kisses.   
Gently, but not without some force, I pushed him away from me and walked over to the couch.   
He trailed after me, not even seeming hurt.   
"God Yamato, you can't believe how glad I am you agreed to this it doesn't even matter how you feel about me you're with me and that's all that matters can you believe how long I've dreamed of this I never thought it would happen in a million years-" Takeru babbled ecstatically.   
I tried telling myself it didn't matter what I felt about this, as long as Takeru was happy. But it didn't help much.   
"So how long you gonna go out with me Matt? Huh? I don't know how long before it might be before I get over you, but I'm hoping no more than a few months. Tai's not extremely jealous, is he? You did explain you're still his boyfriend right? Cause I don't wanna be responsible for you two breaking up or anything." I smiled in spite of myself. He was so happy!   
"Let's just try a few weeks at first, okay Takeru? Tai's not EXTREMELY jealous, but he's not exactly cheering us on either."   
"Ok! A few weeks is fine with me! Just as long as I get to be with you!"   
So I went out with my brother for a few weeks. It was no great big deal, and neither Dad or Mom ever found out. It wasn't that bad really. It was more like two brothers wanting to spend a little more quality time together.   
That is, it wasn't so bad except for when we made out. That was the only part of our whole entire relationship I felt bad about. I felt so guilty, as if I was betraying Tai. It wasn't as though I was falling in love with Takeru or anything, and Tai did know about it. I just didn't like it, that's all.   
Yet it made Takeru happy, so I didn't complain. It would end soon, anyways. No big deal, I thought.   
But then the few weeks ended, and Takeru was still not over me. He wanted to try it just a little bit longer.   
No harm there, right? A few weeks wouldn't hurt, would it?   
Wrong. The next few weeks were pure hell for me.   
  
"God Matt, I hope Tai appreciates what a damned good kisser you are," my brother murmured one day. We were home alone in my room. My door was locked though Dad wasn't expected home for another few hours.   
"Don't worry about me and Tai," I told him. "He knows exactly how good I am." "God, do I ever."   
He continued applying light kisses to my chest, moving lower and lower with each new press of the lips. When he reached my waistline, I stopped him.   
"Takeru..."   
He looked up at me pleadingly.   
I shook my head firmly. "No."   
"Please Matt. I need it. I don't seem to be getting over you any. This can help. Please, don't you wanna make me happy?"   
Damn him!   
"Takeru.... it wouldn't be fair to Tai..."   
"Please Yama? Just this once?"   
"It's too painful," I whisphered, thinking once again of that eight year old Yamato.   
He smiled at me. "I'll be gentle, I promise."   
"It's not that, it's just....."   
"C'mon Yamato. One time. Who knows, you might even like it."   
I almost choked. There was NO WAY I would like having sex with my brother.   
"Once Matt. After that we don't have to do it anymore." "Just once?" I asked, mentally shoving my fear back into its tight little box. I couldn't let it get the best of me. I had to do this. Just once. For Takeru. To make him happy.   
He nodded.   
"Allright," I choked out. "I'll do it. Just this once."   
His face lit up when I said that, and he eagerly began to kiss me with passion, maneuvering our clothes off as he did so. I didn't participate, just lay on the bed and let it happen.   
I screamed when Takeru entered me. Not from the pain, even though it hurt, but from the painful memories it brought back.   
My mind had to constantly chant 'It's for Takeru, it's for Takeru, it's for Takeru' over and over.   
I couldn't even hardly make a sound as he thrust into me, steadily increasing his pace.   
All I did was lay there and whimper.   
Then he reached around and grasped me, and I nearly lost it then.   
I was glad when we both came, almost simultaneously, it seemed.   
Takeru pulled out of me, exhausted, and rolled over onto his back and off of me. After a few minutes he propped an elbow up and stared down at me, smiling. "See, that wasn't so bad, now was it?" he asked me quietly.   
I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I shook my head, but the truth was I was so terrified I thought I'd die from the fright.   
I just wanted Takeru to leave.   
Luckily I got my wish. When he looked around for his clothes, he caught site of the clock beside my bed and jumped out of bed, frantically throwing articles of clothing on his body.   
"Shit! Sorry Yama, gotta go, I was supposed to be home forty five minutes ago! I'll call you later! Bai!" Then he was gone.   
Exhausted, and still trembling from fear, I leaned over and grabbed the phone, then started dialing.   
  
Dad came home while I was waiting for Tai to come over. I had managed to throw on a pair of boxers, but I was still all sweaty and trembling, and my stained sheets were still exposed on my bed.   
He frowned when he saw them, but didn't say anything.   
"Dad, Tai's coming over soon. Is that allright?" I asked, hoping to distract him.   
He took another look at my bed, then at my body, then nodded before disappearing into his room.   
Tai arrived five minutes later.   
"Yama, are you okay?" he asked, walking into my bedroom. "You sounded different on the phone."   
I stood in the middle of the room staring at him, trying not to cry. I failed. When Tai saw my tears, he immediately became alarmed. "Yamachan? What's wrong?"   
I couldn't hold back anymore. I ran into Tai's arms, sobbing my heart out. He just held me, didn't say anything, didn't stroke my hair, just held me.   
"Takeru wanted me to have sex with him," I cried.   
He stiffened. "Did you?" he asked me slowly.   
"Yes! Oh God Tai I'm so sorry! It was so awful I was just so scared and it hurt so much! I'm so sorry! I still love you, I really do I just wanted Takeru to be happy that's all! Please don't be mad at me I'm sorry Tai! I love you so much!" I wailed, forgetting Dad could hear me if I got loud. "Please Tai!"   
He didn't respond, just continued to hold me tightly.   
We stayed that way for a long time until reluctantly, he pulled away from our embrace, telling me it was late, he had to get home. I was still crying, but I was calm now to the point so where as I didn't need Tai to be there with me, offering me comfort.   
I just gave him a quick kiss, then let him go and watched silently as he left. Dad came into my room a few minutes later, a serious look on his face, and it was only then I realized he probably heard my frantic babbling to Tai.   
Shit.   
"Matt," dad began, then paused, not sure whether he should go on. After all, I was still crying.   
Then he shook his head. "Nothing. Never mind. Forget it."   
"Fine!" I yelled after him as he left. "Don't ask me what's wrong! It's not like you ever cared about me before, so it's not like you would now!"   
He was back in my room in a flash. "That's not true Ishida Yamato, and you know it!" he exclaimed heatedly. "Of course I care about you! You're my son."   
"Then why do you never show it?" I asked, my voice breaking. "You never ask more than an obligatory 'are you okay?'. Why don't you ever stay with me, try to figure out what's wrong for once?" I started to cry hysterically. "You know, half the time I wouldn't mind talking to you! But you never seem to care!" I shouted angrily through tears. "You never talk to me anymore, not since you raped me! I bet you don't even love me anymore!"   
I looked up in surprise at Dad, face stinging from the slap he just delivered. Then I let out a wail and ran blindly from the room. I didn't really wanna leave the house, so I just ran to his room and threw myself face down on his bed, still crying noisily.   
A few minutes later I felt the bed sink down with the weight of Dad's body. He sat beside me, stroking my hair softly.   
"I'm sorry, Matt," he said, his own voice husky. I didn't have to look up to know he was crying too. "I shouldn't have done that. But I really do love you. I'm sorry if you felt differently."   
"Why?" I sobbed into the pillow. "Why do you never talk to me anymore?"   
"I always thought you never wanted me to. Every time I tried reaching out to you, I could feel you shoving me away, especially in the earlier years.   
"I've never been good at getting close to people. It's one of the reasons your mom and I split. It was easier for us to be closer when were physically apart."   
I stayed silent, thinking. I had forgotten about what it was like for us after the rape. He was right, I did used to shove him away. I was always so angry at him, I never wanted him to get to know me, be a father to me. When had that changed? When I started getting confused about Tai? Before that? After?   
(Ok, short break here people. I need a chance to let my tears dry up. This scene is so touching! =^_~=;; )   
Dad exhaled heavily. "So you wanna tell me what that scene with Tai was about earlier?" he finally asked, trying to break the tension. But it only intensified.   
I lifted my head and looked at him. His face was all blotchy and wet. "Dad, I know this may seem like hypocrisy here, but I really don't think I'm ready to talk about all this yet. I do need to talk to you about it, just not yet. Okay?" He nodded. "Sure. I'll still be here when you're ready," he informed me quietly.   
I smiled shakily. "Thanks."   
He returned my smile, then stood and offered me a hand. I took it and he pulled me to my feet.   
He started to say something, but I surprised him by catching him in a fierce hug. "Love you Dad. Sorry, for what I said earlier."   
"I love you too Yamato. Now what'd you say we go eat some dinner? I'm starving, I haven't eaten all day."   
"Sure," I replied, releasing from my tight grasp.   
Then we headed into the kitchen.   
  
Two days later, I got a phone call from Sora. I knew it had been coming and I had been dreading it. I had been expecting it ever since that scene with Tai at lunch.   
"Yamato, Sora called. She wants you to call her back immediately," Dad told me when I walked in the house after band rehearsal.   
I sighed. "Allright."   
I shed my jacket, then went into my room and stripped to boxers.   
Stretching out comfortably on my bed, I reached over and grabbed the phone and called her.   
"Moshi moshi."   
"Hey Mrs. Takenouchi. This is Matt. I'm returning Sora's phone call. Is she there?"   
"Just a moment."   
While I waited, I thought about what I would say to Sora. When she answered, I was still clueless.   
"Hello? Matt?"   
"Hey Sora, you called me earlier?"   
"Yeah I did. Are you and Tai going out or something?"   
I blinked. That was direct.   
"No, we're not," I told her, my voice amazingly calm. "Why do you ask?"   
"Well, you know.... because of that day...at lunch."   
"Oh."   
"Yeah. From the way you and Tai were acting, I kinda thought you were. It really seemed like it, especially when he asked you for a good fuck and the way he kept calling you Yamachan."   
I took a deep breath before responding, ignoring the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.   
"Sora, he was coming off a high. He didn't know what he was saying."   
"Yeah, well..." she replied, her voice wistful and forlorn at the same time.   
"Look, Sora, I gotta go, okay?"   
"Yeah, sure. See at school tomorrow. Bye Matt."   
"Bye," I replied, relieved as I hung up. That whole conversation was uncomfortable.   
I lay there thinking for a few moments. Was now the right time to tell everybody? After that scene Tai had created at school, it would only be matter of time before the other Digidestined started calling me or Tai, curious as to what was going on between us. And what's to say they hadn't already called Tai? I had to find out.   
"Moshi moshi."   
"Tai, has anyone called you asking if we're an item?"   
"No, why?" he asked, confused.   
"Sora called me. I told her no, but I think it's time we tell them."   
"Good. I was wondering when we could. I'd been wanting to for a few days now," he said, and there was unmistakable relief in his voice.   
I was surprised. "You have?"   
"Yeah. It's getting kind of hard for me to keep my feelings to myself around others, especially since you're also dating Takeru."   
"Then tomorrow at lunch. We'll tell em then."   
"K. Later, Yamachan."   
"Later, koibito."   
  
"Ahem," I said, clearing my throat after casting a sidelong glance at Tai.   
Sora looked up expectantly, Ken and Daisuke paused from flirting with each other, Jyou stopped chewing his sandwich, and Izzy quit typing on his compact laptop. Why he brought it to lunch was a mystery to me, but whatever.   
"Yes Matt?" Miyako asked.   
"Tai and I have an announcement to make," I told them, and Sora narrowed her eyes at us.   
"What announcement?" Ken wanted to know.   
I took a deep breath and wrapped my arms around Tai, pulling him close to me as he I said," Tai and I are dating."   
We got mixed reactions. Ken and Daisuke were grinning at us and each other, Sora drew in a sharp breath, Izzy raised his eyebrows, Jyou just shrugged. Miyako squealed and exclaimed, "Oh how cute!"   
After getting over her initial shock, Sora turned and glared at me. "Matt, you told me last night you weren't together."   
"I know, and I'm sorry. I just couldn't tell you without knowing how Tai felt about you knowing. Besides us, only Kari and Takeru had previously known," I informed her.   
"Oh." She frowned.   
"How long have you been dating?" Izzy asked us.   
"Lessee...." Tai began counting on his fingers. "About four months, I think."   
Jyou gaped at us. "Four months? And you're just now telling us?"   
Tai shrugged. "Yeah."   
"Weren't you scared about what we would think of you?" Daisuke asked us.   
Tai gave him a funny look. "Of course we were, but we figured most of you would handle it well, even you younger Chosen." Then Tai gave him a knowing look and glanced over at Ken, then back at Daisuke just in time to catch the redhead's faint blush.   
So had Tai had picked up on it too. I wonder if they were actually together, or both just knowing but too afraid to act on it.   
"Well I for one am happy for you two," Miyako said. "I think you two are so cute together!"   
"Thanks, Miyako," I said smiling for her.   
"Hey, I'm happy for you too!" Dai exclaimed. "I was just wondering how they had the courage to come out to us, that's all."   
I smiled knowingly at him. He blushed again and looked away.   
Izzy opened his mouth to say something, but just then the bell rang.   
Tai stood and looked down at me. "C'mon Yama, let's go before they change their minds and start hating us."   
Ken snorted back a laugh. "Why would we want to hate you?" he asked, as Tai started dragging me away.   
"He's just saying that!" I yelled. "He really just wants to make out, that's all!"   
I laughed as I saw most of our friends faces going red.   
Then I turned my attention to my boyfriend. "Tai," I laughed. "Stop pulling me! I have two feet, you know! I can walk on my own!"   
Tai stopped short and released me, causing me to go tumbling to the floor.   
"Taichi!" I cried, feigning annoyance.   
"Sorry Matt," he said, grinning down at me.   
I punched him lightly on the arm. "Meanie. You're not sorry one bit."   
"Sure I am," he insisted, still grinning.   
Then to my shock he leaned down and kissed me. Right there in the middle of the cafeteria.   
A heard a few surprised gasps, then one of our non Chosen friends whistled. "Way to go Taichi! Matt!"   
I blushed as Tai moved back, then reached up and pulled Tai down on the floor, kissing him back passionately.   
All around us people broke out clapping, cheering, whistling.   
Finally I released Tai and stood, giving him a seductive smile before purring, "I'll see you at my place after school, honey."   
He gulped and stood on shaky feet, staring after me as I left to go to class, ignoring all the people around us chattering excitedly.   
I wondered how long it would take to get round the whole school.   
I just hope we wouldn't regret going public like that.   
  
"Konnichiwa, Kasato-Sensei," I said tonelessly along with the rest of the class, glad this was the last period of the day.   
I was starting to get sick of all the people coming up to me and asking if Tai and I had really kissed in the cafeteria.   
Even some of my teachers had asked me that!   
Besides, I was eager to ask Tai why he had done that. Not that I hadn't enjoyed it or anything, but .... it just kinda caught me off guard, I guess. But who I am to complain?   
"Thinking about Tai again, Ishida-san?" Kasato Sensei's voice cut into my thoughts, and I looked up, surprised.   
"Sensei?"   
"I asked if you were thinking about Tai again. You seemed to be enjoying your thoughts very much."   
I blushed and remained silent. Was there a person in the school who hadn't heard about us?   
"Well?"   
"Yes," I mumbled, and the class started laughing.   
My face flushed even more.   
"That's very amusing, Ishida-san. However, while I'm sure thinking about kissing your little boyfriend is a lot of fun, I would prefer it if you focused on more important subjects such as Japanese."   
"Hai, Sensei," I muttered as he returned to the blackboard and began drawing the kanji for hasu. It was an easy word, but most of the class had trouble remembering the kanji for it, me included. I tried hard to pay attention, but my mind kept wandering back to Tai.   
Why had he kissed me in front of everybody? At most we agreed to tell our Chosen friends. Even though the school didn't seem to be disgusted by it, how would the teachers take it? Or worse, the principal? Had she heard about our little episode in the cafeteria? The school was very strict about keeping romances out of the school. It was fine to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but hugging and kissing was frowned upon.   
And Takeru. Oh my God. I'm sure he heard about me and Tai by now. What would he say about it?   
Wait, why should I care what he thought about it? Tai was my boyfriend, not Takeru. But it had been Takeru I'd had sex with.   
But who cares! That was only to make Takeru happy, nothing more! In a few weeks I wouldn't even have to go out with my brother. So stop worrying about what Takeru thinks. He doesn't matter.   
But he does! He still cares about you, even if you don't care that way about him. Surely this would hurt his feelings.   
This was all so confusing!   
"Dammit!" I shouted in frustration, momentarily forgetting I was still in school.   
Everyone in the room grew deadly silent and looked at me. Kasato-Sensei paused, chalk mid-air, and turned to face me.   
But before he could even open his mouth, I leaped up, knocking my chair backwards, and raced out of the room. I didn't stop running until I was at home. Slamming the door, I leaned against it, breathing heavily, sweat streaking down my face.   
"Dammit," I moaned.   
  
"Yama.... how could you do that to me?"   
"I'm sorry, Takeru," I pleaded desperately. "Besides, Tai kissed me first. Let me make it up to you somehow."   
He sighed, pools of open hurt still reflected in his eyes. "Make it up how?"   
I shrugged helplessly. "What do you want?"   
"You," he told me softly.   
I gulped. "You mean.... sex?"   
He nodded. "I know I said it was just that once, but ever since it happened, I can't stop thinking about you. You're an addiction Yamato. I need more of you. I need more and more until I've finally had to much and I don't want anymore. Kinda like some people and chocolate. They're so addicted to it, they eat and eat and eat it, thinking they can never have too much chocolate until one day they wake up and think how much they hate chocolate. I'm like that, Yama. I feel that way about chocolate, so maybe I'll feel that way about you too."   
"Takeru, love and chocolate are two differently things entirely." "How so?" he asked me, blue eyes fixed firmly upon my own in a defiant little gesture. "Both are sweet, but both can destroy you if you're not careful. Mom and Dad's love was like that."   
I sighed in defeat. "Allright," I replied. "I'll have sex with you."   
And maybe this time I wouldn't be so scared.   
  
I wept softly, brokenly on Tai's chest. I had called him to come over after Takeru had left, and the second he walked in and saw me in my bed, huddled into a little ball, crying, he had got in next to me and pulled me close to him, holding me tightly.   
"It happened again, didn't it?" he whisphered softly. "You had sex with him."   
I nodded. "Don't be mad Tai. It's just... I can't explain to him why I don't want to, that I'm scared to."   
He wiped a few stray hairs away from my face. "Shh, Yamachan. I'm not mad at you. Don't fret over it, okay? I understand."   
"But I don't think you do," I sobbed. "After all, if I was doing it for Takeru to make him happy, why couldn't I do the same for you? Isn't that what you're thinking?"   
"Of course not, koi. I don't want you to make love to me just to make me happy. I already am happy, just being with you. We won't do it until you're ready, okay?"   
I sniffled. "Taichan...."   
"Just don't think about it, Yama."   
"Okay."   
  
So it went on and on, an endless cycle, it seemed. Takeru would come over every day and I'd reluctantly be forced into agreeing to have sex with him. In the beginning, I wanted Tai to comfort me after it happened, but after several weeks I started feeling guilty about having sex with my brother, then turning around and telling Tai I wasn't ready. He said he understood, but I think he was starting to get pissed off about it.   
I still hadn't talked to Dad.   
And even though he didn't press that particular issue, I know he wanted to know. I could sense the unspoken questions in his every 'are you okay?' or 'how was your day?'. I could see it hidden within in his eyes, in the way he'd stare thoughtfully at me during dinner or while we sat in the living room, hanging out. It was our constant companion, that unspoken question, and was always hanging between us on its thin thread, fragile in its every way.   
Several months of sex with Takeru and the unspoken question passed. Takeru only seemed to be more hopelessly in love with me than he had been in the first, and the thread dangled more dangerously than ever.   
Until one night, something happened that ultimately caused the thread to snap.   
School had let out a few days ago, and Tai was over at my house to stay the night. Earlier, I'd had a celebratory graduation party for all us senior Chosen, and after it was over, Tai decided to stay the night.   
We'd been making out on the couch, both shirts long since shed, not caring that my dad could walk in the door any moment, and also completely forgetting the fact that he was actually away on a business trip for the weekend.   
Then Tai's hand found the snap on my jeans and fumbled to undo them.   
At first I stiffened, but after a few moments I realized the fear hadn't come this time, and I allowed Tai to undress us both.   
Then he continued his earlier assault, nipping and licking his way down my chest.   
I moaned as he bit down on a hardened nipple, and my hands reached up, entangling themselves in his hair, pulling him closer to me.   
He paused in his ministrations and smiled down at me. "Is this okay Yamachan? Because I don't want to rush you."   
"Oh God Tai," I gasped. "It's more than okay! Please!"   
He smiled again, then frowned. "It will hurt," he whisphered. "I don't have any lube."   
"I don't care," I choked out. And it was true. I didn't. The fear was surprisingly gone. All I wanted at that moment was for the one I loved to be inside me.   
"If you're sure," he said a bit doubtfully.   
"Oh God yes Tai. I'm more than ready! Now just get on with it before I explode!" I cried.   
He didn't protest any more after that, just leaned down and kissed me deeply, passionately, as his founds roamed and found my rock hard shaft and started stroking gently.   
I cried out and nearly came just at his touch. It felt so good....   
Later after it was over I curled up in Tai's arms, exhausted and content.   
We lay in comfortable silence for some time before Tai spoke softly. "Yamato?"   
"Yeah?"   
"Was it... okay?"   
I smiled into the darkness and kissed Tai's forehead. "It was wonderful, Tai. You did good."   
"I'm glad."   
  
The next morning I woke to screaming.   
"What the hell did you two think you were doing?!" a familiar voice yelled.   
I sat up groggily, blinking sleep out of my eyes.   
"Look Takaishi! He's my boyfriend, not yours! I can have sex with him if I want!" another voice yelled. Odd, that one sounded strangely familiar too.   
Tai...?   
And --- Takeru..?   
"You're not to touch him Yagami! He's mine!"   
"What in hell gave you that idea?" my boyfriend's voice retorted. "He doesn't love you!"   
Me. They were arguing over me.   
"He does too love me! More than he loves you!"   
I blinked. "Tai? Takeru?"   
They turned toward me simultaneously.   
"Yama!" Takeru cried, running over to me and taking my hands in his. "How could you do that to me? I thought you loved me, right? Don't you love me more than Tai? You do, don't you?" he pleaded, turning his blue eyes upon me imploringly.   
I shook my head. "I told you from the beginning I loved Tai, Takeru." I told him softly.   
He stared at me sadly for a few moments, tears welling in his eyes, then abruptly got up and rushed into the kitchen.   
Tai gave me a strange look, and I shrugged my shoulders.   
The next few seconds seemed to happen all to fast, but yet they were the longest seconds of my life.   
Tai and I were staring at the kitchen curiously, then all of a sudden Takeru is lunging at Tai, knife in hand.   
I'm screaming.   
Takeru is meaning to kill Tai.   
Tai's trying to dodge the knife.   
There's blood gushing from his forehead.   
There's blood on Takeru too. I can't tell who's hurt.   
Then they're both down and on the floor with a scream.   
Everything's motionless.   
Tai's up suddenly, breathing heavily, tears soaking his face, staring down at Takeru in surprise, holding a hand to the gash on his forehead.   
Scarlet blood is slowly spreading from a hole in Takeru's chest where the knife had been.   
I'm crying too, running towards Takeru, gathering him in my arms, not quite believing.   
Tai's at the phone, calling for medical assistance. Then he's sinking down beside me, holding me and Takeru both.   
We sit that way for hours, it seems, until medical attendants are pulling Takeru away from me, out of my arms.   
I shriek, and beat my fists against them.   
They can't take my brother away from me, no matter how much he may have wanted to hurt me or Tai.   
Don't take Takeru away.   
  
I'm still in a cloud of confusion and denial when Dad rushes in the hospital waiting room doors. He spots me immediately and comes over to me. We're the only ones in the room. The other Digidestined had been and left. Tai was going hysterical at home, afraid he was gonna go to jail. Mom was pacing impatiently up and down in front of the emergency room doors, where they were operating to try and save Takeru.   
"Matt, are you all right? What happened?" Dad cried.   
I just stared at him blankly, tears rolling down my face.   
"Matt?"   
"Mr. Ishida?" a voice asked, coming up behind us.   
Dad turned. "Yes?"   
"You were the father of Takaishi Takeru, were you not?"   
"Were?" I said, my voice high pitched. "Were?"   
My lips began to tremble, and Dad barely had time to pull me close to him in a tight hug before I let out a heartbroken wail.   
The doctor nodded. "Yes. Your brother passed away at 11:47 a.m. I'm sorry. We did everything we could to save him."   
"No!" I cried. "It's not true!"   
"Yamato, don't," Dad said, brushing the fringe back from my face.   
I didn't listen, just shoved him away from me and ran. I had to get out, had to escape. I was choking in there. The pain was overwhelming me, constricting me.   
I ran for a long time, not really paying attention, wishing the pain in my heart and my head would go away.   
"Go to get rid of the pain," I mumbled, still running. "Gotta get rid of the pain."   
I was surprised to find myself in the bathroom at home some time later, rummaging through the medicine cabinet.   
"Gotta make the pain go away."   
I was delirious. It is only now that I realize it, as I sit here and write. I was out of my mind, didn't know what I was doing. All I could think about was getting rid of the pain.   
So when I took the whole bottle of aspirin, I thought I was doing myself a favor. I thought I was getting rid of the pain.   
I was just damned lucky Dad had come home looking for me. Damned lucky I didn't die.   
  
Voices were murmuring softly all around me. It was dark. It consumed me. I was frightened. Where was I?   
Where was Tai? I needed Tai.   
"...Tai.....?...."   
"Thank God, he's coming around," someone said. Several other voices drifted in and out, but I couldn't understand them.   
I couldn't focus on anything except the humongous headache I was currently suffering.   
Then I was back in the darkness, and the voices were gone. Even the faint warmth that had briefly surrounded me was gone. I was alone again.   
  
When I woke next, it was somewhat lighter. I still didn't know where I was. But the voices were still there. Not so many this time, perhaps, but still enough.   
My eyes fluttered open.   
I blinked at the intense brightness.   
"Matt?" someone asked.   
I moaned.   
The pain in my head was so great.   
"Matt, are you awake?"   
"What happened?" I asked, my voice hoarse.   
"Thank God," a distant voice said.   
"You swallowed a bottle of pills," the first voice told me.   
Then the face that belonged to the voice came into focus. It was a doctor of some sort.   
I was in a hospital.   
I looked around.   
Dad was sitting on a chair by my bed, and over in the corner, staring out the window, was Tai.   
"Tai!" I cried.   
He turned and smiled, but his face was all wet from crying. "Yamachan," he choked out. But he made no move to come nearer.   
Hurt, I looked over at Dad.   
"Dad, I'm awake," I whisphered.   
He nodded, crying as well, but didn't say anything.   
"I tried to kill myself," I said, the realization suddenly hitting me like a sack of wet potatoes.   
Dad hesitated, then nodded again.   
"I'm sorry."   
Then I went to the darkness once more.   
  
A week later I was able to stay awake for a whole day without passing out.   
Dad was there constantly. Most of the time he cried. I hated it. I felt so guilty. He had just lost Takeru, and I had almost caused him to lose me too.   
Tai and the other Chosen came to visit me as well, although none of them except Tai bothered to stay long. I think they felt uncomfortable around me. I didn't care. Them just being there was enough. At least they still came every day.   
I was getting better each moment I was awake. But I knew I had reached a breakthrough the day the doctor came in and told me I could go home that afternoon.   
"I can?" I asked warily. After being a month in this place, I was loath to believe everything people told me.   
"Yes, you really can."   
"Thank God," I murmured.   
  
"Do you want to rest?" Dad asked, helping me into the house. I had been lying in a bed for a month, I wasn't used to walking anymore and my legs were still kinda weak.   
I shook my head. "No, I've had enough of resting. I just want to be alone to think for awhile, if that's okay."   
Dad nodded quietly. "Allright. And Yamato?"   
"Yeah?"   
"I'm still here if you need to talk to me."   
I smiled. "I know. And I will, when I'm ready. I just want to sort everything out by myself first."   
  
It's just so hard to accept.   
Takeru's dead.   
I don't blame Tai.   
How could I?   
It was self defense, after all.   
Takeru had come at Tai with a knife.   
He let his love destroy him.   
Funny, though, how his own words came back to haunt him.   
_Both are sweet, but both can destroy you if you're not careful._   
Those had been his words.   
I'm sure he hadn't thought his love for me would destroy him.   
But it had.   
Why?   
He didn't even really deserve it.   
He didn't deserve to die.   
But neither did Tai, and Takeru was willing for Tai to die.   
I guess it was inevitable that Takeru's love destroyed him in the end.   
And what about dad? Does he even know exactly what transpired between me and Tai and Takeru?   
He doesn't say, but then again, he doesn't talk about any of it.   
Not Takeru's death.   
Not Tai's unintentional guilt.   
Not my suicide attempt.   
Not about anything.   
Am I even ready to talk to him? So much has happened.   
But I can't forget about Tai.   
I haven't talked to Tai about it either.   
He refuses to say anything on the matter as well.   
Why?   
Why is everyone avoiding the subject like it was the plague or something?   
Tai's not afraid to be around me, is he?   
Just because he killed Takeru?   
But it was self defense. He had good reason.   
Or was it?   
It all happened so fast.   
I barely saw what happened.   
It was all one blur of motion.   
No.   
I can't think like that.   
Of course it was self defense.   
Takeru came at Tai with a knife.   
Why do I find it so hard to accept that?   
~ Both are sweet, but both can destroy you if you're not careful. Mom and Dad's love was like that. ~   
Even now, Takeru's words still come back to haunt me.   
_Both can destroy you if you're not careful._   
I got up and went into the living room where Dad was sitting on the couch, staring into space.   
"Dad?"   
He looked over at me.   
"I think I'm ready to talk now."   
  
"Takeru came at Tai with the knife? You're sure of this?"   
I gave Dad a look. "Dad, I was there. Of course I'm sure. He was jealous I had slept with Tai and tried to kill him."   
"Well then if that's true then Tai's just gotten a lucky break."   
"What do you mean?"   
"Your mom's been trying to get Tai convicted of first degree murder."   
"WHAT?! Why? Didn't Tai defend himself?"   
Dad shook his head. "He couldn't. He was in such a state of shock over Takeru's death and your near death he blocked every memory of that day out."   
"Why would she try to convict him?"   
"She's upset. She had to blame his death on somebody, couldn't accept it as an accident."   
"Oh." I said in a small voice.   
"But Yamato, now that you've told me what happened, it's likely he won't be convicted. There may not be a trial, if even anything at all."   
"That's glad. I don't think I could live with having people thinking of my boyfriend as a murderer."   
  
~three months later~   
|Epilogue|   
".....and in fact, Yagami Taichi killed Takaishi Takeru in nothing other than pure self defense." The gavel banged. "Case dismissed."   
The court room began buzzing with the excited murmur of voices. People started milling about talking to each other.   
"Taichan!" I called, running over to him and his lawyer. "Tai!"   
He turned towards me as I caught him in a tight hug.   
"Tai, you're not guilty!" I cried, passionately kissing him, tears running freely down my face.   
He kissed me back with as much heartfelt passion as I was giving him.   
"I know!" he exclaimed, starting to cry as well. "Oh Thank God Yamato! I'm glad I'm not gonna have to go to jail or anything. I mean, I'm sorry Takeru died, but still..."   
"I know! I'm glad you're not going too!" I replied in between kisses.   
A few people were starting to watch us with some amusement. The judges and policemen, the Yagami's, my dad, among others.   
"Oh God, Taichan, I love you so much," I whisphered, suddenly overcome with emotion.   
"I know, Yamachan. I love you too."   
Then he gave me the longest, most deepest, kiss I've ever felt, so full of passion and lust.   
I felt like my lungs would burst.   
And yet, through it all, Takeru's words still haunted me.   
Love and chocolate both may be sweet, but if you're not careful, they can be your demise.   
In the end, both had been Takeru's destruction.   
  
|But he's irresistible   
Up close and personal   
Now inescapable   
I can hardly breathe   
More than just physical   
Deeper than spiritual   
His ways are powerful   
irresistible to me|   
  
©2001 Butterflie August 12, 2001 Sunday 2:26 am   
  
Author's Notes: I finally finished it! Yea! *peaceful sigh* I liked writing this. It was fun and kinda sad too. But it's over now, so on to something else that needs finishing. I'm writing this one where Tai and Matt keep trying to get it on, but every time something interrupts them. Its pretty good so far. Maybe it'll be out soon.   
Oh, and the song describes Takeru's love for Yamato. I don't who it's by or what it's called, but I'll tell you now it's not mine. Anyways, give me questions, comments, whatever. Flames if you prefer, although I don't. 


End file.
